yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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