If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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