(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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