It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
