i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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