on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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