I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
