its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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