When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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