mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
