The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
