He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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