apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
