So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
