it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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