i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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