If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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