God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
