The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
