guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
