this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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