Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
