I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
