My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
