What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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