Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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