my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
