i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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