I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
