Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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