Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
