when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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