what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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