Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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