if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
