hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
