I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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