whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She's just so happy...and so naked.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
