my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
