Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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