he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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