i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
