i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
