Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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