I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
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I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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