I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
