I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
