she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
