Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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