I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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