I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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