she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the day after is always just damage control
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
