would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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