I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
