the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
