I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
