the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
