i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
