hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
